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My addiction

April 1, 2011

Call me stubborn, hard-headed, selfish, and reckless.  It won’t matter a thing what you call me because I won’t hear, my senses are numbed to everything other than my addiction.

My addiction.  My aim.  I followed you through the years, you were always one step ahead of me and I was always running after you reaching out trying to grab hold of you and so many times I was so close, so damn close.  Heart pounding signalling its objection to such vindictive treatment, oxygen-deprived lungs gasping desperately for air.  Senses numbed, visual fields constricted to you, and only you.  Loss of sensation, loss of interest, loss of everything in life other than you.  My addiction.   

Those who had experienced you told me you weren’t worth it.  “Don’t do it”.  “It’ll take over your life”.  “Please reconsider; you have your whole life ahead of you”.  Of course I ignored their opinions; null and void and no thank you.  At times you drained the life out of me, at times you hurt me so badly I thought I would bleed to death then and there.  The euphoria at the thought of obtaining you kept me going.  You were my high despite feeling like my nemesis.  I fell, I got up, I chased after you.  I reached out, and you pushed me down.  I fell, I got up.  It was a wretched circle.  Hard-headed, I didn’t give up. 

Summers flew by and I didn’t even notice.  Winters came and went.  I didn’t notice the cold and I didn’t notice the heat.  What I noticed was you; I noticed the pain and I noticed the euphoria.

I chased after you and I reached out and finally grabbed you.  You ran, I ran with you, the experience was something amazing.  My heart slowed down and started beating comfortably; my lungs were no longer deprived of oxygen.  I saw and felt the sunshine, I felt alive, and I felt the definition of happiness.  Now you’re running a little too fast and I don’t know whether you’re going to speed up…because if you do; I’ll be back to square one again.  If you don’t…I’ll live happily ever after.

I sit and stare at the stars and question the sky; what’s it going to be?  Nemesis or happiness?  I feel the life start to drain out of me again at the thought of losing you.  My high.

Are you even worth it? 

9 Comments leave one →
  1. April 1, 2011 9:26 am

    Thanks for visiting my blog and taking the time to comment. If I can throw in my two cents worth here – if you are clinging to your “person” addiciton to complete your life then its not worth it. Find your true self, believe in the fabulous person that you are as an individual and then, when you’re ready, turn back towards the addiction and if it ADDS to your existence give it another whirl – if not cut it loose. Chin up – stand strong, you are worthy 🙂

  2. Stewie permalink
    April 1, 2011 10:52 am

    You’re talking about me, aren’t you? This obsession has got to stop.

  3. April 1, 2011 12:01 pm

    That was intense. I’ve definitely felt that way before. I like it very much. Cheers!

  4. lifewith4cats permalink
    April 2, 2011 8:05 pm

    Perhaps you may have heard the song called, ‘Lies’ by Glen Hansard from the movie soundrack called ‘Once’? it almost like a song adaptaion to this post.

    • April 3, 2011 9:43 pm

      Wow I hadn’t heard that before so I looked it up on youtube just now and listened to the lyrics; you’re right it is almost like its an adamptation to this post! Listening to it again now 🙂

  5. April 9, 2011 1:12 am

    Incredebly strong writing right there… completely accurate too. Been there, done that, and it’s painful. People always say to live without that person, that you can survive, you can prosper, you can move on, but it seems as if they’re forgetting the times when they’ve been in your shoes.
    I wish you a large amount of luck; we all need it.

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